Winning at Losing

Losing wallets is one of my greatest talents. I have lost my wallet an incredible 3 times in the last 3 weeks. So what should you do if you lose your wallet? The most important thing is not to freak out. People seem to think it’s the worse thing that could happen, but it’s really not that bad- especially for me.

Losing my wallet has almost no impact on my life. The most useful items in my wallet are my license and my atm/credit card, but I can even do without them. My license is important for ID, but I can use my passport for that. Unless I lose that too, but that has only happened once. It turns out bars don’t accept birth certificates as ID.

As I busker I work in cash, so not having access to my bank account isn’t an issue most of th time. To answer that age old question: should I cancel my credit cards? I say no. Perhaps I’m too trusting but I’ve never had anyone charge stuff to my credit card, and I find getting a new one a bit of a hassle. I’ll give it at least a week before I cancel it. This tends to surprise people.

“Oh my gosh, you haven’t cancelled your cards yet?”

“No”

“You really should cancel your credit card.”

“How many wallets have you lost?” I ask

“None, I’ve never lost my wallet”

“Well I’ve lost a lot, so who’s the expert in losing wallets here?”

Yeah, that’s right, me. I am highly skilled at losing things, but wallets are my specialty. In the last 6 years I’ve lost 10+ wallets on 3 different continents. Here’s the good news, I’ve gotten 8 of them back. People think it’s because I’m lucky, but I don’t believe that, I think most people will get their wallets back, I just happen to lose them more.

In this experiment, 100 wallets were dropped around a city in the USA, 74% came back. This website did a similar experiment comparing various countries and cities. 70% of wallets in Australia and Canada came back, 83% in New Zealand and 67% in the US. The results for Sydney and Toronto were not as good as I would’ve expected or hoped, with only 40% being returned. I found this article about lost wallets in Toronto saying that 75% had been returned, and my personal experience in Sydney has been 7/8 returned.

Big thanks go out to all the people who have helped reunite me with my wallets. Central station, Wynyard station, NAB, Sydney police, Canberra police, my Dad, Queen’s University, that guy from Kingston, that guy from the Bridge hotel, and that bar, to name a few.

Chuggers

Being a street worker, I work alongside a variety of characters. I’ve mentioned homeless people and other buskers, but not some of my other colleagues; namely the charity workers.

The trick with these charity muggers, or 'chuggers' as they are known, is not to stop. Ever. You don’t have to be mean or ignore them, but you must continue walking. If they ask how you are, tell them you’re well and return the question- as you walk by. If they follow you and ask if you have pets, you can talk them as long as you like, don’t stop. Here’s my issue: when I busk, I’m stopped.

I had a monopoly on street performing when I was in Canberra, but I had to share my turf with an awful lot of chuggers. The first lot were from UNICEF. A confident young man approached me to tell me about all the dying children in Africa. I smiled at him and said ‘maybe later’. He didn’t believe me, for good reason. I started playing.

“You know 5 children died from diphtheria while you played that song.”

I moved spots. This time to where WSPA people were on the prowl. One of the guys gingerly approached me.

“Do you like animals?”

“No” I said blunty

“Oh, ummmm….. Really?”

“No”

“You don’t like animals?”

OK now he was giving me puppy dog eyes.

I sighed. “Animals are OK I guess…”

He looked relieved, was he really still going to try and sign me up? I let him talk to me about the bears having their teeth pulled out, then told him “maybe later”.

Over the next couple of days we all worked the same street. I watched as they tried, and mostly failed, to sign people up for their various charities. It’s tough, soul destroying work and if you don’t have the right personality, you aren’t going to last long. They’re supposed to average 4 sign ups a day which is a lot harder than it sounds.

Every so often one of them would peer into my case and gawk at how much money I’d made.

“You just made $80 in an hour and you can’t afford $1 a day to save the bears?”

In the end I caved. I couldn’t in good conscience leave without giving Josh from WSPA a sale, he sure as hell wasn’t going to get one any other way.

Then the UNICEF guy walked past. I didn’t feel right giving it to one and not the other so I told him to get his clipboard. He was elated. He kept going on about how many kids I’d just vaccinated in Africa. He couldn’t seem to switch off his charity charm, meanwhile Josh was trying not to screw anything. His team leader stood there, bewildered by his good fortune.

Maybe it’s my way of paying tax or compensating the charity people for having to listen to ‘Oh When the Saints’ 10 times a day, or perhaps it’s karmic retribution for kicking people out of their busking spots. Either way, part of my earnings are going to charity. Can I put a photo of an Ethiopian child next to my case now?

Abracadabra- Now Disappear!

Be Gone!

I’ve been busking at circular quay for the last couple of months now. It’s the hottest busking spot in Sydney and has proved to be extremely profitable. The authorities are very strict here; not only do you need a license, there are designated spots depending on your act. For example you can only play in certain spots if you’re amplified, or if you are a circle act (a circle act is a performance that requires people to stop and watch e.g people that juggle chainsaws). I am defined as a non amplified, walk by act, which means I can play almost anywhere. I have found myself a lovely spot between ferry terminals 4 and 5, where only walk by, non amplified acts can perform. That pretty much leaves me and statues, so I’ve never had a problem.

The other day someone was in my spot. He was a magician. An amplified, circle act. In my spot. He looked about 15 with his top hat and slightly oversized suit. I waited til he’d finished his show.

“Hi are you finished for the day?” I asked

“Ummmm.. Actually I was going to do another show”

“Oh. Are you allowed to do a circle act here?”

“I’m not sure… probably not”

“mmmmmmm….”

“Maybe we could share the spot?”

“I’m pretty loud”

“Or could you play down by the restaurants?”

“Hmmm I don’t really play there”

I was not smiling.

“How about I do one more show, then you can have it”

“Fine”

In truth it was getting a bit late and I had to be going anyway, but there was no way he was getting away with being in my spot.

I waited til he started up again, then I called the ranger.

“Hello Circular Quay rangers, this is Ian speaking”

“Hi Ian, there’s a young man doing a circle act between wharfs 4 and 5”

“Is he amplified?”

“Yes, he has a microphone”

“Well he shouldn’t be busking there”

“…no”

Minutes later the rangers arrived. Minutes after that, the magician disappeared. Magic.

The Art of Bingo Calling

Me (basically)

Bingo calling isn’t as easy as it looks; it’s not just about calling numbers. Well it is, but a good bingo caller knows that there is an art to bingo calling. Numbers are exciting, especially when they’re generated randomly- you never know what’s coming next. There are 90 numbers in bingo, now I’m no statistician but the odds of having 4 numbers from the 40’s in a row aren’t too high. That’s why it’s so exciting when it happens!

If I commented on all the interesting number sequences, no one would ever get bingo, so I use exaggerated intonation to emphasise the excitement. “forty- naughty forty, forty eight- four eight, forty five- half way there” and then “foooooorty threeeee, four three” but you have to say it like you just found out you won the lottery. The great thing is, the crowd get into it too; listen to the oohs and aahs when they hear such a rare and wondrous sequence of numbers.

The drama doesn’t end there, oh no. A big talking point, is how many calls it takes someone to get bingo in. A few weeks ago I announced that a certain bingoer won in just 52 calls, only to have the room erupt in applause.

I like for my bingo to have a little more crowd participation. My favourite bingo ladies sit up the back, maybe it’s all the scotch they drink at 11am, but they are by far the most enthusiastic. I’m all about the old school bingo calls; legs 11, 66 clickety click etc. The great things about these chicks is they respond to a bunch of the calls I make:

‘4- knock on the door’ (avon calling)

‘14- valentines day’ (kiss, kiss)

‘22- 2 ducks swimming’ (quack, quack)

‘64- everybody sings (when I’m 64)

‘69- breakfast for two’ (bad breath)

For an excellent article on how to call bingo, and a whole lot more number nicknames, check out this website.

Bingo

I’ve spent a lot of time writing about busking but not much about my other job. I work mostly as a bartender, but every Monday I take on a new role; I am the bingo caller.

I got the gig a few years ago when the old bingo caller left and my manager was complaining that he was going to have to take over.

“Oh boy I’d kill to do bingo!” I said

“Oh yeah” he said sarcastically “it’s going to be great”

“..it sounds like so much fun”

“Yeah, you’re really missing out, it’s going to be a party”

“I wish I could do it…”

“I really don’t want to do it…”

I looked at him “Wait. Do you seriously not want to do it?”

“Do you seriously want to do it?”

And that’s how I became the bingo caller.

It turns out bingo is serious. In North America you can win big bucks, up to $10,000, but here you’re lucky if you get a $20 woolies gift voucher. Despite the relatively low stakes, bingo players, in my opinion, are among the most competitive people in the world. The great irony is that bingo is almost entirely luck.

If you are a competitive person, and you don’t win at something, and it’s not your fault, it must be someone else’s fault, right? That someone is usually me.

Bingo players are generally older. Mine range from about 50 to 102. No joke 102 year old Albert comes to bingo every week for a chance to score a $15 Woolworths wish card.

I think at 102 you should get anything you want, which makes it hard for me when he gives me a stern look and says “You’d better call my numbers today”

I look at the random number generator.

“You’d better call Albert’s numbers today”

To be fair, players know that responsibility does not lie completely with me. Lucky rituals have a big impact as well. According to bingo players, your luck will change depending on where you sit, who you sit with and what colour dobber you use.

I recently made the fatal mistake of getting the wrong coloured dobbers. Whilst I was ordering I was asked if I wanted any colour in particular. No, I didn’t mind. WRONG! Apparently orange is not a good colour for my bingo ladies failing eyesight. Unfortunately we’ve got to get through 250 more dobbers before I can order a new box. Orange you glad I didn’t get yellow?