The Philipsburg Mail

While his white hair and whiskers may be indicative of his age, local miner Tom McQuire still competed in the Miner’s Union Day Events.

If there's one thing I learnt from doing a Bachelor of Arts, it's that plagiarism is a wonderful thing, not to mention full proof.

The Philipsburg Mail comes out every Wednesday. I will never be able to write anything as funny as this, so I copied out the Sheriff's report. Enjoy.

Tree tags car in Sheriff's Corner

"August 29, 1:36a.m. Report of men fighting in Drummond tavern and one, a Bozeman resident, was hit in the nose. The men were apparently intoxicated.

2:25 a.m. A Bozeman resident was charged with Driving Under The Influence of Alcohol.

August 30, 9:19p.m. Powell County Sheriff's Office reported two possible missing people. Soon after the report the two were located in Drummond.

August 31, 11:19 a.m. Report of dump trucks speeding through Parkerville in Philipsburg.

September 1, 5:03 p.m. Report of a dog running loose in Drummond.

September 3, 8:27 a.m. Report of a man taking some firewood not belonging to him, from a Rock Creek resident.

9:50a.m. A Rock Creek resident reported nuisance dogs belonging to a neighbor.

2:21 p.m. A man reported some unknown person making charges against a credit card account, he is not responsible for.

3:02 p.m. Drummond Ambulance responded for a person not feeling well.

9:43 p.m. Report of a possible lost person in Philipsburg. The person was found playing video poker in a tavern.

11:05 p.m. A Philipsburg resident reported a small white car being driven past his home and the tires spraying gravel onto his parked pick-up.

September 4, 12:50 a.m. Report of an intoxicated man being disorderly outside a Philipsburg tavern.

9:41 a.m. An alarm company reported a burglar alarm at a business near Philipsburg Someone had left a door unlocked.

2:22 p.m. A man was attempting to fell a tree near his home at Georgetown Lake when it fell in an unintentional direction, struck a power line and a neighbors vehicle.

5:07 p.m. A Georgetown Lake resident reported a bear in their garage."

Other favourite article titles:

• Parents go out for coffee - children go to the pub
• The quilting torch is passed on to a new president
• Bear trouble
• Justice court deals out justice and fines
• 'You cannot reread a phone call'
• Non paying camper spotted in the Corner
• Librarian looks forward to typical day

If you want more information on any of these articles, don't check out the Philipsburg Mail website, it's useless. Email me and I can give some more detail. I've got time. Clearly.